The One Where Molly Bee Finds A Wallet

I was driving along the other day when I passed something that looked like a wallet in the road. I do this often because one of my biggest fantasies is to find a fully loaded wallet in the street. Normally this would guarantee that one would NOT find a wallet and I know this so I usually keep driving. But today I had that niggling little voice in my head...'That REALLY looked like a wallet.' So I turned around, went back, parked on the shoulder and sho nuff! Not only was it a smooshed wallet but there was cash blowing EVERYWHERE! I chased the bills in the breeze, dodging traffic, over the guardrail and down into the pucker brush. I believe I may have even uttered a Yahoo or two! Finally I had gathered all I could find-$340. I threw everything in my car and drove to work.

The wallet contained a license but I couldn't find the guy on the net or in the phone book. There was a business card for someone else in there, the only piece in the wallet with a phone number on it so I called that person. They in turn gave me the phone number for the wallet's owner. I called him and he didn't even know he'd lost it and his weekly pay. I practically had to convince him. The more I spoke with him the stranger the converstaion got and the more uncomfortable I got. I finally arranged to meet him at a public location so he wasn't privy to where I work etc. Then I called my friend E and told him that I needed a wing man and that I'd be over to pick him up at lunch time. I'm pretty sure I could take E in a bar fight but he's a tough looking guy so I thought it was a good idea to take him along. I picked him up and filled him in on the situation en route to the rendezvous point. I would pull up next to the van (that the owner said he was driving) and leave the window rolled down. E would stay in the car and listen for any signs of distress whereupon he would unfold himself from my little car and stroll on over to save the day. I love it when a plan comes together.

I parked next to the van and got out to talk to the guy. It turned out better than I though. It was strange but not so scary. He brought his Mom and I explained to her exactly where I found the wallet etc. The owner tried to give me $20 which I thought was nice but I refused. They thanked me profusely and we returned to our cars. I got in the car and the following conversation takes place:

Me: (Surreptitiously out of the corner of my mouth-real sneaky like) Psst! Did you hear any of that?
E: (Bored and disinterested) No, you left the keys in the ignition so all I could hear was BONG BONG BONG.

I think Special Agent E may be the weak link in my super secret spy organization. 'No Officer, I didn't hear anything when he shot, beat and strangled her, but I did notice that our car door was slightly ajar.' Sheesh. I'm confiscating his badge immediately.

Anyway, the best part of the whole thing was when I returned to the office, I had a message waiting from the wallet guy who now sounded kind of ticked:

'I went back to where you said you found my wallet because you missed a $100 bill. It's OK because I found it.'

No good deed goes unpunished!

(Friend D said that I screwed up from the very beginning. He said that I should have called and told the guy that I had good news and bad news. The good news was that I found his wallet. The bad news was that there was no sign of the $340 that was in it! I'll know for next time!)