You Get What You Pay For: Tale of the Ninja Death Scarf.

So I decided the Tuesday before Christmas, that over the break, I absolutely had to make myself an Irish Hiking scarf to go with my new red jacket. I didn't want wool because it tends to itch me if I wear it close to my face-even Cascade 220-which was my first thought. I didn't want to spend the $$$ for alpaca-especially since I tend to lose things and I wanted a really looooong scarf. I would have had to mortgage the farm for enough alpaca, yak, or camel for that. I didn't have time to go to a big box craft store to get some of the newer soft acrylics. About the only thing I had time and money for was a local store that only sells Red Heart. I know. I was in a hurry. I was that desperate.

So in went I and fondled the yarn and tried to convince myself that it felt better than it had the last time I'd used it-when you could literally file your nails with the stuff. They had three skeins of a red that matched my jacket left for $2.50/skein! It seemed to be kismit, so throwing caution to the wind, I bought them all thinking I would have enough for a hat and mittens to match.

All the way home I repeated the mantra...it's not as bad as it used to be...it's not as bad as it used to be....and by the time I pulled into the garage, I believed it. I put it in my knitting basket and went back out to do my other chores. By the time I cast on a couple of nights later, I had almost completely forgotten my reservation about RH. This would be great; an inexpensive acrylic scarf, hat, and mittens that would be a breeze to wash and dry and would match my jacket. Wouldn't I be stylin'!? Wasn't I a clever, thrifty, little Yankee girl!?

Over the holiday I finished about three and a half feet of scarf. Actually, you can't technically can't call it a scarf because...well...scarves bend. This sucker is so stiff that it will literally stand up on it's own and I'm not a particularly tight knitter. (Well, only when we get into the chocolate wine at Knit Night and that's a whole different kind of 'tight' that actually makes my knitting looser...but I digress) My Saturday Knitting buddies suggested that if I did actually manage to break it in a couple of spots so that it would hang, (and 'hang' is not something this scarf will never do! 'Drape'? Ha! A pipe dream! Become an actual pipe when it growns up? Slightly more plausible.) I could use it as a lethal weapon. A couple of quick swishes and !ZOT! it would immediately render any would-be assailant unconcious, if not decapitate him completely. (Of course, you more faithful readers know that I would almost certainly lop my own head off trying to get it off and swing it 'round. 'Cause that's how I (uh...at least how my head would) roll!) Hence the Ninja Death Scarf was born.

Oh, it's a thing of beauty. The RH positively POPS the cables. Jen says that they are beyond 3-Dimensional...they're FOUR-Dimensional! Elizabeth says that a wash and dry may make it softer but I don't have a lot of hope at this point. I'm think after it's completion, I put it up for bid on construction sites. It would make excellent rebar!

Additionally, I'm thinking that adding a hat and mittens of the stuff would be a huge mistake. While I would be properly armored against any type of surprise enemy or alien attack (and again...knowing how I roll, this is a distinct possibility) which would be an asset; the fact that I couldn't bend my hands, or lift my head or turn my neck could be a liability. Possibly. And then there would be that whole lopping off of one's own head while trying to flee to worry about.

At any rate, I will finish the scarf and wash/dry it to see if Elizabeth's right about it getting softer. If she isn't, I will have once again learned two major lessons that I seem to keep flunking over and over: 'Haste Makes Waste' and 'You Get What You Pay For'!