Saturday Night: Improv With A Drunk Guy

I started getting the calls early Saturday evening. Waaaayyyy to early to be as drunk as the dialer seemed to be. The first three times I answered the phone, I got some variation of 'Hey Baby...How YOU doin?' from local number I didn't recognize. There was a bit of a lag in between each call so I had waaaaaayyyy to much time to think about things to say. I swear on Colin Firth that this is the actual conversation (leaving out all of the drunken mumbling and a lot of general confusion of course) I had the fourth time I picked up the phone:

CALLER: Hey Baby...whatcha wearing?
ME: Chanel # 5
CALLER: Ooo and nothing else?
ME: Naw I just got out of the bath. It's hard to cover up the skunk and tomato juice smells even with expensive perfume.
CALLER: What color is your hair, Baby.
ME: Oooo! I'm a fiery redhead! When I have hair that is. I recently had to shave my head because of the lice.
CALLER: You got brown eyes?
ME: No, they're blue but it's kinda neat because one points up and to the left so I have a wider range of vision than other people. It's like a superpower!
CALLER: What cup size do you wear?
ME: Double D's but you really can't tell because of the hunchback. I've kind of got a 55 long situation going on.
(long silence)
ME: But most people don't notice.  They see the limp first.
CALLER: What happened Baby?
ME: Oh nothing, I was born with one knee cap on backwards.
CALLER: (interrupting) Do you have long nails? I like girls with long nails.
ME: You know, I've never had them done because I always thought it was too expensive. Do you know if they charge by the hour or by the nail?
CALLER: Errrr, dunno. Why?
ME: 'Cause if it's by the finger, I would get a discount since I am missing three.
(this seemed to blow right by him totally).
CALLER: You got any birthmarks or ink?
ME: Well, I've got a huge mole on my right cheek. I used to be self conscious about it but I got a guy to tattoo Jeff Dunam's 'Peanut' around it. People kind of like it. The hairs coming out of it  looks like that fuzz coming out of Peanut's head.
CALLER: (incredulous for the first time) Really?
ME: Yeah! People kind of like it. Jeff has a lot of fans.
CALLER: Yeah. I like Jeff Dummmammm. (Silence) Do you have a nice smile?
ME: I guess. My teeth, the ones I have anyway, aren't really white.  The chaw kind of stains them. But I love to laugh.
(Looooonnnng silence)
CALLER: So you wanna meet up Baby? You wanna hook up?
ME: When were you thinking?
CALLER: How 'bout tomorrow?
ME: Darn it, I have a podiatrist's appointment tomorrow to get my bunions shaved, but you keep calling around, I'm sure you'll find someone free tomorrow, OK.
CALLER: OK.(Mumble, mumble, mumble)

Then I hung up. I'm not sure why he hasn't called back.


Michelle said…
Hilarious! But you only talked about yourself, you rude thing. Why didn't you ask about HIS attributes, dear? He might be the catch of the year! heh
Renee Anne said…
That is all kinds of awesome. No one ever calls me except people that are supposed to (Husband, sister-in-law, aunt/uncle, friends). Oh well. Nothing fun in my world, I guess...
J L Johnson said…
Too funny
Barb said…