I started getting the calls early Saturday evening. Waaaayyyy to early to be as drunk as the dialer seemed to be. The first three times I answered the phone, I got some variation of 'Hey Baby...How YOU doin?' from local number I didn't recognize. There was a bit of a lag in between each call so I had waaaaaayyyy to much time to think about things to say. I swear on Colin Firth that this is the actual conversation (leaving out all of the drunken mumbling and a lot of general confusion of course) I had the fourth time I picked up the phone:
CALLER: Hey Baby...whatcha wearing?
ME: Chanel # 5
CALLER: Ooo and nothing else?
ME: Naw I just got out of the bath. It's hard to cover up the skunk and tomato juice smells even with expensive perfume.
CALLER: What color is your hair, Baby.
ME: Oooo! I'm a fiery redhead! When I have hair that is. I recently had to shave my head because of the lice.
CALLER: You got brown eyes?
ME: No, they're blue but it's kinda neat because one points up and to the left so I have a wider range of vision than other people. It's like a superpower!
CALLER: What cup size do you wear?
ME: Double D's but you really can't tell because of the hunchback. I've kind of got a 55 long situation going on.
ME: But most people don't notice. They see the limp first.
CALLER: What happened Baby?
ME: Oh nothing, I was born with one knee cap on backwards.
CALLER: (interrupting) Do you have long nails? I like girls with long nails.
ME: You know, I've never had them done because I always thought it was too expensive. Do you know if they charge by the hour or by the nail?
CALLER: Errrr, dunno. Why?
ME: 'Cause if it's by the finger, I would get a discount since I am missing three.
(this seemed to blow right by him totally).
CALLER: You got any birthmarks or ink?
ME: Well, I've got a huge mole on my right cheek. I used to be self conscious about it but I got a guy to tattoo Jeff Dunam's 'Peanut' around it. People kind of like it. The hairs coming out of it looks like that fuzz coming out of Peanut's head.
CALLER: (incredulous for the first time) Really?
ME: Yeah! People kind of like it. Jeff has a lot of fans.
CALLER: Yeah. I like Jeff Dummmammm. (Silence) Do you have a nice smile?
ME: I guess. My teeth, the ones I have anyway, aren't really white. The chaw kind of stains them. But I love to laugh.
CALLER: So you wanna meet up Baby? You wanna hook up?
ME: When were you thinking?
CALLER: How 'bout tomorrow?
ME: Darn it, I have a podiatrist's appointment tomorrow to get my bunions shaved, but you keep calling around, I'm sure you'll find someone free tomorrow, OK.
CALLER: OK.(Mumble, mumble, mumble)
Then I hung up. I'm not sure why he hasn't called back.