Friday, November 12, 2010

Guitar Lessons-The Free Puppy of The Music World

I started taking guitar lessons about a month ago. I’ve had a guitar that my folks gave me for my birthday one year when I still lived in Maine and it’s been artfully displayed in various apartments, duplexes and houses, but never actually played. I took it to a music store right after I got it and the man behind the counter made beautiful sounds come out of it. I kinda figured he must’ve used all of the nice sounds up because once I took it home I never heard them again in all of these years. When a guy at work starting advertising 30 minute guitar lessons for $10 I thought, ‘That’s pretty cheap. Why not?’ and signed up, as I am wont to do, before I had a chance to consider all of the consequences:

Dehydration-So far he’s only teared up a little. He’s very stoic. But as the weeks drag on and I don’t improve, it’s only a matter of time before my teacher throws himself on the floor, banging his head and sobbing uncontrollably ‘Make it stop…For the love of all that’s holy, just make it stop!” Note to self: Buy stock in Kleenex and Gatorade.$$

Shift In The Housing Market- As I get less 'tentative' with my practicing (i.e. louder) I anticipate a mass exodus from my apartment building. Note to self: expect rent hike as only resident in 20 unit building. $$

Lawsuits: See Shift in Housing Markets above. Note to self: Start socking away legal fees and possibly bail money. $$

Veterinary Expenses- See' less' tentative above. I anticipate a change from the current dirty looks and heavy sighs I get from my canine companion whenever I play (everyone’s a critic!) to excessive pawing of ears and permanent hearing loss. Note to self: Buy antibiotic ointment and find doggie sign language teacher.$$

Personal Therapy-As this little venture goes on, I’m really going to need to see someone about the fact that I am physically/mentally unable to keep strumming with my right hand at the same time I am supposed to be changing chords with my left. My teacher keeps insisting I can, even though I’ve proven him wrong over and over and over again. Note to self: Find counselor to help me deal with my ‘disability’ and give guidance on how to explain to my teacher that, even though HE can do it, he's a freak of nature, and that strumming whilst chord-changing at the same time is, in fact, humanly impossible. $$

Therapists for my teacher-Note to self: Find a psychologist to deal with the issues in the first bullet point as well as helping him to deal with the new-found knowledge that he is a freak of nature. Also look for physical therapist to help him deal with that nervous tic he seems to be developing. $$

Much like the concept of a ‘free puppy’, I can see how this $10 Guitar Lesson thing is going to cost me a bit more than advertised! With the ‘progress’ (and use that term EXTREMELY loosely) I’m currently making, the ‘Molly Bee and The Monotones- Dazed And Disheveled World Tour' won’t be hitting a stage near you anytime soon, so I’d better devise alternative ways of raising funds for this endeavor. Psssst! (looks to both sides and pulls open one side of her trench coat) Wanna buy a Rulex watch? Cheap?


Cindy G said...

If it's any consolation, I once asked for and recieved an Autoharp for Christmas. Surely anyone could play an Autoharp - you push down a button and it makes the chord for you. All you have to do is strum. Yeah. I kept it for a few years thinking there was still a chance I could produce music. No, as it turned out, there was not.

However, anyone who has mastered knitting, spinning and those pine needle baskets should be able to beat a guitar into submission.

Barb said...

It could be worse. I once started bagpipe lessons and was given a chanter to practice with since the "bags" are too loud. My husband and daughter made me practice on the winter!! That was short-lived. Ben would have been a blurry, brown streak running down the road, shaking his head to get the sound out of his sensitive ears. :o)

Lisa/knitnzu said...

Well, we could do a duet, and trust me, it would be much much worse! But I think we need Barb with her pipes. I'll honk on the sax instead of banging on the guitar to mix it up and make all the doggies howl.

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