The Dog Days of October

 Well, lookie here! Haven't checked in here for a while and thought it might be fun to start up again.  Blogger has implemented some changes since the last time I posted and I don't know if this even still works, but I'll give it a go.   

So...what has happened in the last two years....oh nothing really....since I've been trapped in my house because of a global pandemic! From March 2020-March 2021 I was oh so alone in my home. I ordered groceries online and  then drove the the grocery store where a young man put them in the trunk of my car. Every three months I went to the pharmacists to pick up meds and that. was. it.   For A YEAR!  No friends, Knit Night, restaurants, movies trips, vacations, holidays or get-togethers.  No coworkers since my company went remote. You would think that I must have been bored here in the nest with nowhere to go...but nope. I had lots of worrying, fretting and stewing to do.

During that entire year, my only view of the outside world was though television and social media and it was a bonified dumpster fire! A pandemic was ravaging the planet and in our country there was a melomaniac, mad-man at the helm ignoring it in favor of sowing division and hate and raining vengeance down on those who displeased him. Covid 19 was killing hundreds of thousands of US citizens, our health care system was overwhelmed, small businesses were closing, the economy was in the toilet...and so I spent a solid  year  well...thinking and worrying. 

 I worried about my Mum getting sick since she is immune compromised.  I worried that if something happened, I wouldn't be able to get to her quickly as most travel had ground to a halt. I worried that supply chains would break down and we wouldn't be able to get the food and  supplies we needed. I worried that the horrific storms and fires, brought on by climate change, would hurt people I know (and those I don't).  I worried when our sitting president tried to overthrow his own government and stay in power after he was voted out. I worried when he assembled a band of racist, miscreant anarchists to mount an insurrection at our Capital Building in DC.  I worried that they would hurt our new president on the day of his inauguration. I worried for friends and loved ones who got ill. I worried I would get ill. I grieved for the dead. I mourned the mislead and the brainwashed. Yup!  It was an absolutely awesome year for someone with anxiety and depression! 

2020 shook my foundation to the core. People I  loved, and thought I knew to be sensible, good-hearted and moral,  condoned behavior that was so despicable, selfish, hateful, and racist that my view OF them and belief IN them was destroyed-burned to the ground. This included large parts of what I considered my moral support structure...people I thought I could always count on. And I've always known that there were bad people out there, but believed that most of the world was basically good and would do the right thing. That turned out to be hugely false as well. There are a lot more bad apples that I ever imagined and the seething mass of hate, entitlement, selfishness, ignorance and rage that they embody is absolutely overwhelming and terrifying. 

So to recap-ALONE in the house, LOST people I loved, either morally or physically, and very much enlightened to the fact that when push comes to shove and we need to work together, the world is a very cold, selfish and dangerous place. And that I was ALONE.

But as with most storms, there are rainbows. I learned a lot about myself-about my resiliency, my ingenuity, my ethics, moral code and beliefs. I learned that they are not swayed even if it is easier to just go along so that folks will like you.  I learned that I  have a strong sense of compassion and empathy and it causes me to be very judgmental to the entitled who don't/won't  use theirs. I've made peace with that. 

 I learned that it's ok to cut people and their hate/drama/ignorance out of your life to preserve your own well-being. I learned that when the chips are really down, I don't resort to selfishness and hate when it would be easy to. I work on solutions instead of denying the problems. I've learned to consider things a little longer before I make a decision.  I've learned to be more direct and more honest. Believe it or not, I've learned to be quieter, but  I've  also learned not to allow myself to be disrespected and to defend myself both physically and mentally. I've learned you can't argue with  people who are determined to hang on to conspiracy theories, lies and hatred. I've learned that a lot of people will throw morals and standards to the wind if they think there is something in it for them. I've learned that there are A. LOT of bonified nut jobs out there. I learned to enjoy the little things- the simple things. I learned to enjoy my own company. I've learned that solitude does not equal loneliness. I learned that things I thought weren't important at all, WERE and vise versa. 

The greatest lesson I learned is to look for the bright lights. Though there are far fewer that I originally thought, they are still out there. And I learned that if you can't find one, you have to be one. 

The dumpster fire isn't out by any means, the fuel has just changed a little. The four years of hate, lies and division sown by the previous administration has created the largest rift in this country since the Civil War. Only this time there is no territorial divide. We are all living side by side. Our current president is flailing about in an effort to unite people who are determined to continue the hate and division. People are more interested in their rights than their obligations or commitment to the common good so we aren't going to get this pandemic under control any time soon. Had we worked together, life would have been mostly back to normal by now, but instead, the health care system is still overwhelmed, the supply chain is breaking down more and more on a daily basis, we're headed into a recession and the virus has mutated to set  its sites on our children who were largely safe from it last year.

2021 brought us a vaccine and while it's not perfect, it allowed me to go home to see Mum twice so far for 3 week stretches. Now that I work remotely, I can work anywhere-my kitchen table in WI or Mum's in Maine. That is a true blessing. As a community and a country, we are moving about a bit more freely now so I can have socially distanced visits with friends. Instead of restaurants, we meet in parks to sit and knit or go  hiking. I still need my alone time to center and balance more than I ever did before. I need to limit my exposure to tv and social media commentary. The past year and a half has been fraught with anguish, inconvenience and hardship,  but it was also an opportunity to slow down, really think about things and grow. I'm proud of myself for choosing that path. 

Next post, I will return to the regular craft chat and inanity that I usually post, just wanted to let you all know where my head has been at while I was gone! :-)

With Grace, Grit and Gratitude,

Molly Bee